I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think I sprained my soul last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
