I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
3 2 1 whiskey
don't judge my taste in strippers
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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