While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
