I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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