why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
