don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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