there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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