is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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