I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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