I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
