I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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