Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
