why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
