i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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