I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
