Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
