I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
