Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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