He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
