you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I love you. Go after that dick
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
