A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
