It's a beautiful day for a hangover
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
