Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
