When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
