whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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