I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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