my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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