Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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