I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
