How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
