I look better un-naked...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
