Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
