Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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