96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
