dude i'm inner monologue high
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
