1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
