After last night, I could never be a politician.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
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