So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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