well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
