I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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