Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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