I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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