Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I will be naked everywhere
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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