So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
