im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
