i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
