Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
