just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
