Betty ford says i'm here all night
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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