Me too!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
