I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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