I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Floor bacon is actually really good
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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