i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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