He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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