First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
In America we eat man semen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
