is your mom at the bar?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
