P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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