I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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