Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
