Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
